Why Independence Halts Progress
"I work alone." Right? Wrong.
It's strange, isn't it? The one thing we need most (one another) is often the thing we work hardest to prove we can go without.
We have organized our cultures, corporate and otherwise, around the belief that going it alone is an admirable way of being. And, while we acknowledge that it certainly takes strength of character to do it all ourselves, we don’t need to, and in fact, we’re not wired to.
Here's what decades of human psychology and organizational behavior tell us: the myth of needing to replicate the self-made success story in our lives is actively sabotaging our potential.
Why? Well, imagine only getting to experience the world from our own point of view at all times. Perhaps it’s less challenging, but certainly, much less interesting, and the possibilities that exist for ourselves are only the ones we can see from where we’re sitting.
Finding Ourselves Alone
But what if I am
always alone?
We have become very good at self-isolating.
Technology aside, the trend of ‘protecting our peace’ and cutting out the humans and environments that challenge us has become one of our greatest pitfalls as a society.
We know we need each other, but…
“It’s easier to just do it myself.”
“Navigating relationships takes time and energy that I don’t have.”
“Finding a community of like-minded people is not easy.”
Yes, finding a community of ‘like-minded’ people is not easy; in fact, we’d like to think it’s quite a dull pursuit. What we say we’re looking for in a like-minded community is people who, to a large extent, live life according to the patterns and routines that match our own.
Is it possible to foster tolerance, empathy in the face of difference and peaceful co-existence when we are unable to exist, and perhaps even thrive, with humans that challenge our belief systems and ways of being?
We find ourselves alone when we refuse to allow difference to enhance our experience of life and, instead, cut it off in the name of remaining comfortable, ‘peaceful’ and without resistance.
And what happens when we allow a little discomfort in? The whole world opens up for us; a world of humans, ideas, ways of being that might differ from our own, but that could reveal parts of ourselves we never knew existed.
When we insist on going it alone, we limit ourselves to the boundaries of our own worldview. We become prisoners of our own blind spots, trapped by the very perspective that got us to where we are but won't necessarily take us where we want to go…
From Childhood Dreams to Adult Possibilities
Remember when we were kids?
We all wanted to be skateboarding ballerinas, circus clown lawyers or firefighters with a knack for baking; perhaps at one stage we considered all three…
All very fun and interesting possibilities that, if we had committed to them, could still be available options for our futures.
But something happened along the way. We grew up. We became realistic and very responsible adults. In the process, we lost the spark of what could still be if we chose to see the world a little differently.
What if being a well-respected attorney feels boring to you after 20 years? Could you still rewrite what is possible for your life at 40, 60, 80? Our answer is a resounding YES! And it helps to have humans alongside us who remind us that life is moldable to our will, our vision and our choices.
It's easy to shrug off our fantasies as just that, fantasies. But when we take other people along for our ride, when we surround ourselves with people who challenge our thinking and remind us of who we want to become, we're more likely to take meaningful (and hopefully some outlandish) ACTION!
We all love the idea of having a partner in crime, but what about a partner in possibility?
The Art and Science of Accountabilibuddies
Of course, we can’t leave you hanging…
We know that without us giving you a side quest, after you’ve read this article, you’ll likely go back to writing that very important brief (if it’s due tomorrow, definitely do that, but come back!).
Introducing: the Accountabilibuddy… Friend for life, perhaps sometimes a foe, but take our word for it, having one (or many) is an absolute non-negotiable when it comes to expanding our life and possibilities beyond what we know them to be today.
An Accountabilibuddy is more than a friend who checks in on our New Year's resolutions. They are the humans who see parts of us we cannot see on our own and hold us to our highest potential.
Perhaps Ezra sees a world in which you take up ballroom and free your stressed-out mind with the art of dance…
Where you would say, “I have no rhythm and tight hips,” Ezra sees someone who is creative, hands-on and ready for a challenge. And, abracadabra, your self-view has expanded just a little bit outside of its normal bounds. Imagine if you got out of your own way and tried it out for a while?
Here's how Accountabilibuddies work:
Rule #1: Be specific
Vague goals breed vague results.
Your Accountabilibuddy needs to know exactly who you want to become, what you're working toward and the outcomes you're trying to achieve. More importantly, they need to understand where you tend to get stuck and how to get you back on track.
"I want to be healthier" becomes "I want to work out four times a week, meal prep on Sundays and be in bed by 10 PM on weeknights."
"I want to grow my business" becomes "I want to generate three new leads per week, have two meaningful client conversations monthly and increase revenue by 25% this quarter."
Rule #2: Establish non-negotiable check-ins
Accountabilibuddies require investment.
Set a regular time; daily, weekly or monthly, depending on your goal, and commit to it. Yes, put it into your calendar… Please do that now. 🙂
This is not the time to have a casual coffee chat where you might mention your goals in passing.
These are structured conversations with a clear agenda:
What did you commit to?
What did you actually do?
Where did you struggle?
What support do you need moving forward?
Rule #3: Let them take the wheel
This is where Ezra comes in (aka, the human who sees possibilities for our lives that we cannot see or even consider for ourselves). And let Ezra take the wheel.
If your partner in accountability thinks you should try out karate, cold plunges or take a month-long trip to Taiwan to rediscover what it means to live life on the edge, DO IT!
So often, our lives do not shift because we’re looking at it in the same way we’ve always done, within the bounds of what we believe about ourselves, what our potential is and who we can and cannot become.
Give Ezra a go. Anyway, you’ve tried your way, and it’s boring or it hasn’t worked.
Why Promises to Others Trump Promises to Ourselves
Sometimes the only reason we get out of bed on a cold, dark morning is because we promised Jimbo we'd meet him for a pre-work tennis match.
This doesn’t mean we are lazy or have a major character flaw we need to discuss in next week’s therapy session; it's human nature.
We've studied and collected decades of research on how humans work and what motivates humans to follow through on our commitments. Without question, the most effective way to hold ourselves accountable is to involve someone else in the process.
When we get another human involved in our process to move to the next level, we start showing up for more things we "don't feel like doing" in service of the life we've chosen to build.
Building a Culture of Collective Accountability
Imagine if we all actually did what we said we were going to do! At some stage of our lives, we’ve all allowed ourselves a bold dream, but, if we're honest, we have fast tongues paired with a slow (or sometimes non-existent) follow-through.
The fix isn't more willpower. It's getting other people to do it with us.
This applies whether you're trying to transform your personal habits, grow your business or build a high-performing team.
The principles remain the same:
Shared Vision: Everyone needs to be clear on what we're building together and why it matters.
Mutual Commitment: Accountability works both ways. It's not about having someone police your behavior; it's about creating relationships where we are invested in the humans we are becoming and the lives we have committed to building.
Regular Check-ins: Consistency beats intensity. Quick, regular check-ins create connections and room for possibilities to grow within our accountability partnerships. Just like Ezra saw ballroom dancing in the future of her colleague or friend, your partner may see a possibility for you that you may have never considered.
Honest Feedback: Growth happens in the space between comfort and challenge. Effective accountability partners are not aimed at boosting our ego; they are there to see our world for us through a different lens, which may come with a few uncomfortable conversations and moments where we’re required to try life differently from how we’ve done it in the past.
Your Next Move
The most impactful people, the most effective leaders, the most fulfilled individuals aren't those who never needed help. They're the ones who have become skilled at asking for it, receiving it and reciprocating it.
So, here's the challenge: recruit an Accountabilibuddy this week! Just one. And go from there.
